Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor-Cummings have spent their career studying relationships. They argue that the breakdown of the family structure and high rate of divorce is impacting the mental health of our society, especially young adults. Research out of the marriage foundation found that the single biggest predictor of teenage mental health is family breakdown. The research shows that where couples separate children are 10-15% more likely to have mental health problems than when the couple stays together. Hence if we can learn to have better relationships with our partners we can dramatically change the course of our society. They compiled four habits that all successful relationships have. The following are those four habits.

Habit 1: Be curious about your partner’s habits, ways of thinking, ways of being, not critical. I will be the first to admit that I have been critical of my partner before. It is easy to slide in a comment, a small criticism of something they did. It may not be a big deal, a little criticism here and there but what Dr. Andrea & Jonathan argue is that those small criticisms slowly erode the respect of both partners. It’s like an acid eating away the foundation of any great relationship, mutual respect. So what do they offer in return? Be curious. What does being curious entail? Well, it means that instead of criticizing your partner you try to see things from their point of view and try to understand their actions first. Investing the time to understand how we are wired differently will help eliminate many arguments.

Habit 2: Be careful, not crushing. This helps get over the hurdle of poor resolution styles. Set ground rules, boundaries that will control behavior in conflict resolution. For example, some ground rules could be never hit each other or act out in violence, never walk out of the house in anger, never threaten divorce. Learn how to work together, argue well, and treat each other with care. You are allowed to have disagreements with your partner, but not allowed to be demining or abusive. Handling your partner with care and love even when feeling angry takes tremendous will power but once you decide this is how you will treat your partner in that situation you don’t give yourself an option to act out of emotion.

Habit 3: Ask, don’t assume. This helps you get over the hurdle of frustration that comes from mistrust and disrespect that can creep into the relationship. So what does respect mean? This is a conversation that both partners need to have, because even respect may mean something different to each other. Breaking down what mutual respect looks like and developing a common ground of agreement is essential. Avoid assuming and stereotyping, rather be courageous and bring worth topics with love and respect that may need to be addressed.

Habit 4: Connect, before you correct. Learning to communicate real value and appreciation and holding back on our need to give “constructive feedback”. Do not take your partner for granted, people go where they feel welcomed, but stay where they feel valued. We need to be deliberate on ways to build warmth to the relationship. For example, scheduling a date night or not going to bed until you mention 3 things that you are grateful for about your partner every night is a good way to connect and deepen your bond.

It is important to note that practicing these habits will take time. We won’t get it right the first time around, but being conscious of how we want to treat our partner and what type of relationship we want to have is a great start. I personally recommend keeping a journal and every night writing what worked and didn’t work in your relationship for that day. You will uncover valuable information as you gain insight into your relationship. What areas are you doing extremely well in? What areas need some improvement? Living consciously and deliberately is one of the quickest ways to be successful. Most of the time we are too afraid to face reality, but if we never face it our lives won’t ever improve. So as is with wealth creation so do relationships need investment and energy, and what better way to truly enjoy wealth if not with healthy long-lasting and loving relationships?

If you found this article meaningful leave a comment and thank you for your support! Truly grateful to be able to share and add value.

Research & Additional Resources

4 Habits of ALL Successful Relationships | Dr. Andrea & Jonathan Taylor-Cummings | TEDxSquareMile

Picture from Maaghie